I'm applying for a freelance blogging gig and was asked for an "entertaining" cover letter. This is what I came up with.
76 9TH Avenue
New York, NY 10011-4962
To whomever may be reading this,
I was doing my daily Internet analysis, otherwise known as surfing the Internet, when I stumbled onto your ad for college writers. The cover letter templates I’ve seen in my twenty-three years suggest that in the first paragraph, you should briefly discuss why you would be a good fit for the position you’re applying for. In this case, I’ve been to college, eaten some disgusting dining hall food, and showered in stalls that required that I wear sandals, all of which seem to be relevant to the kinds of things college aged kids might need to know about. Plus I’m willing to share about them, as well as whatever else you’d like me to write about, so I think this is a good match.
I’ve written buying guides on just about everything, from turtles to baseball cards, even cars, despite the fact that I hadn’t even gone shopping for my own at the time of publication. One time, I was asked to write a 500 word biography of Sara Bareilles for a music website where I was interning. Then I went to Rutgers, where I discovered that, despite the fact that I might have made more money as an Information Technology major, what I really liked to do was write about myself. Right now, I’m working towards an MFA in nonfiction at The New School in New York, where I’m currently chipping away at a book project about being a minority in an upper middle class Irish neighborhood and the subsequent growing up I did because of it, some of which occurred in college and is worth sharing, or at least I think so.
In any case, I think being as observant as I was in college has made me want to share what I saw. There are times when I wonder how much less awkward those four years might have been if I had something about it to read. Maybe I would have asked that girl I had a crush on out for a cup of coffee, or maybe I would have done a better job of balancing my time. Maybe I would have even learned how to put together a decent meal for myself at the dining hall. Even though it’s too late for me to do any of that, there are plenty of kids who are in the shoes I was once in that could stand to have a little knowledge dropped on them. As insignificant as knowing what not to wear to bed may seem, having been there and done that, I know how important even the minor details are to college students, because nobody wants to wake up in the beginning of September in sweatpants, only to find out that the dorms are not, in fact, air conditioned.
I look forward to discussing the position further with you.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
"My name is Rich and I'm auditioning for the cast of Glee ... not because I really want to, but because my friend Nicole has this crush on some character named Puck and she really wants to meet him, so I am doing her a favor by auditioning because I am a really good person. Also I've only been to California once, and this is a great opportunity to go back again and get paid for it. It seems like a win/win situation to me. Well, not really. Whoever casts me (because we all know that I am getting this job over all of you people) will probably get fired when I show up on set in my pajamas, some days with pants and others without, covered in fake tattoos of dolphins and Chef Boyardee smeared all over my face. When I was at Rutgers, I did musicals with a student-run theatre company (not theater, you ignorant scum) and would always throw down some serious ravioli before vocal warm-ups, even though all of the musical directors pleaded with me not to. Supposedly dairy is bad for your vocal chords, but I don't buy it. Every now and again, I'd eat 40 packets of Sweet'N Low before rehearsal and get into fist fights with girls in the cast. Don't worry, I always won, which I think is another reason why I'd be such a good fit for Glee, because obviously I fight for myself.
So please, lend me your voices, er, I mean gold stars and help me help you make this a better show than it is, even though I can't say for sure that it's a bad show. But I mean, it's on FOX and isn't Arrested Development, so it's probably really terrible."