Thursday, April 29, 2010

I got my gold stars for spelling the word "cookbook" correctly. How about you?

"My name is Rich and I'm auditioning for the cast of Glee ... not because I really want to, but because my friend Nicole has this crush on some character named Puck and she really wants to meet him, so I am doing her a favor by auditioning because I am a really good person. Also I've only been to California once, and this is a great opportunity to go back again and get paid for it. It seems like a win/win situation to me. Well, not really. Whoever casts me (because we all know that I am getting this job over all of you people) will probably get fired when I show up on set in my pajamas, some days with pants and others without, covered in fake tattoos of dolphins and Chef Boyardee smeared all over my face. When I was at Rutgers, I did musicals with a student-run theatre company (not theater, you ignorant scum) and would always throw down some serious ravioli before vocal warm-ups, even though all of the musical directors pleaded with me not to. Supposedly dairy is bad for your vocal chords, but I don't buy it. Every now and again, I'd eat 40 packets of Sweet'N Low before rehearsal and get into fist fights with girls in the cast. Don't worry, I always won, which I think is another reason why I'd be such a good fit for Glee, because obviously I fight for myself.

So please, lend me your voices, er, I mean gold stars and help me help you make this a better show than it is, even though I can't say for sure that it's a bad show. But I mean, it's on FOX and isn't Arrested Development, so it's probably really terrible."